Saturday, April 30, 2011

Jill of all Trades, Mistress of all

When am I good enough?
I've been on a downer lately.  At least in my mind I can't seem to do anything right.  My ideas are off-base, my timing is off and I just don't feel like I have any 'pizzazz'. My energy is low.  I've been blaming allergies but in truth it may just be a case of the blues.  Growing up in a hyper-critical household, I know I'm overly sensitive and have spent tons of money in therapy to 'get over it'.  I wonder if I ever will?  On the best days I have coping mechanisms for when those creepy boogie man thoughts enter my mind, but on the worst days it is like dragging a chorus of ne'er do wells around inside my head weighing me down.  So my question for the day is -- when am I good enough?  When isn't it a shame I'm not the most beautiful, intelligent, witty, graceful woman in the world?   

 When am I good enough? 

I love baseball, and an avid fan of the San Francisco Giants.  All teams have their stars.  This year, we have Lincecum and Wilson (pitchers) and Posey (catcher).  But without the other players on the field, it is only a couple guys playing catch.  What about the utility player?  Guys like Aubrey Huff who played a long time before stepping into the limelight in the 2010 season?  There are hundreds of guys like him all throughout Major League Baseball who show up day after day, season after season.  Aren't they good enough?

When am I good enough?

I've been in civil service for over three decades.  I didn't go to college after high school.  I ran from the hyper-critical family home in Chicago to California and had to support myself.  I was quite the social butterfly in those early days, flittering around from one thing to another.   Regardless of what I was doing, working with computer systems has always been part of my work life.  In my 30's after my son was born, I settled down and got a bit more serious.  I enrolled and finished one of those IT programs and began my 'official' career as an IT worker.  So for the past 18 years or so I've at least tried my hand at practically every discipline known to IT woman-kind.  It was traditionally a boys club, but that didn't stop me.  I adjusted.  I adapted.  I accepted change.  I wore heels and hose. I wore polo shirts and kakis.  I developed my own IT fashion sense that I wrapped my experience, my 'soft skills', my keen intuition and my social butterfly glittery-ness.  I am a valuable utility player. I’m a solid all around gal. When that ball comes at me and I try or go down swinging. I can even hit one out of the park once in awhile. I intuitively know when things are and aren't right. Understand how to do the research and to get proof.  After all these years I have a label.  "Jack of all trades, master of none."  Aren’t I good enough?

When am I good enough?

Am I a good enough wife, mother, friend, dancer, artist poet, gardener, intuit? When am a thin enough, fit enough, tall enough? (A stretch for me).  When am I sweet enough, smart enough, work hard enough? When am I fair enough, understanding enough, gentle enough, ambitious enough? When am I enough?  The list is exhaustive. I could go on-and-on.  We probably have these stories. I say I'm good enough, when I say “I'm good enough!”

I am Lady Mistress Michelle Lucia DeVita Fong "michey, Mickey, Mickie, Michi, mich and chell" of Casilada Castle, Dancer-Artist-Poet, Creator of Computer Systems, Mother-Surrogate-Mother-Sister-Friend, WOMAN, Wife-Lover-LandPartner-Coparent. I am Mistress of all. And isn't it a pity I'm not the most beautiful, intelligent, witty, graceful and glittery woman in the world?  Sometimes I feel when I kick up my heels in the sun, I'm the lovliest one.

1 comment:

  1. You are the loveliest. Tell yourself that every day!